43 Days and Counting

I DID IT! I accepted the invitation and in 43 days I will fly off to live in Guatemala for 27 glorious months. How crazy is that? I am so terrified that I could curl up in the fetal position and hide. Luckily, I am more excited than terrified and my excitement always trumps my fear. Why am I doing it? I don't really know. I could give you the essay question answer, but the truth is that I can't really put it on paper (or blog). There are so many reasons. I think it may be the best decision I have ever made. Do I have reservations about it? Hell yeah. I'm not naive. Homesickness is inevitable and I know I will cry myself to sleep on several occasions. But surely it is worth a few shed tears. I'm actually doing something for the next two years that will challenge me. Lately, I have felt smothered by mediocrity. Like what I am doing with my life is easily achievable. The next two years will push me to my limits and I can't wait to become someone I am proud of. "Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly." - Robert F. Kennedy

I started this whole process around 10 months ago. I was sitting at a job I really hated and questioning every decision I had ever made, so I looked up the application. The next day I sat at my computer filling out everything and determined to make a change. Fortunately, every wall can become a door. Several phone calls and doctor visits later and here I am only 6 weeks away from hopping on a plane and starting what I hope will be one of the best experiences of my life. It seems a little surreal. I was having dinner with my friend Megan the other day and she asked me if I ever have moments when I think "Wow. I won't get to do this for 2 years." I do have those thoughts and it frightens me. At least until I realize after 2 years I will move back to the States and have thousands of chances to do those things. When I was filling out the application, I knew I was searching for something. "Follow your bliss, and doors will open for you that you never knew existed. Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls.” – Joseph Campbell. When I tell people what I am doing for the next two years I get only 2 reactions: either they look at me like I am insane or they think it is wonderful. I just want to find what makes me happy in life and go with it. No, I may not be financially stable and some people may consider me "flighty". But I am trying to embrace life with arms wide open. When I am forty I don't want to look back on my life and wonder what might have been. I want to look back and smile because I have spent the past forty years truly living. "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was talking to someone at work the other day and I was telling her about moving to Guatemala. She said I was brave. I have never once in my life considered myself a brave person. It got me to thinking about the concept of courage and what it means to most people. It takes bravery to smile when you don't know where your next meal is coming from. It takes courage to stand up for something you believe in. I think I just decided on something I wanted and went for it. Sure I question it. I have no idea what I am doing. But it feels right. If that is bravery then I guess I am guilty. "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." - Ambrose Redmoon

I think life is about our innate need to feel something. To have a connection with other human beings and to prove our worth to the rest of the world. We all do it in different ways. Whether it be running a fortune 500 company, serving soup at a homeless shelter, or moving to another country to work in rural schools. We all yearn for the interactions and the feeling we get when we are around other human beings. Yesterday I was driving home and I saw three people on the side of the road. They were mowing the grass. This puzzled me and then I saw it. They were cleaning around a small cross that sat on the side of the interstate. Even after someones death, we still crave that closeness. Sometimes the relationships we form last a lifetime. Sometimes they are just momentary pleasures. I have this hunger to meet people from all over this world and I want my life to touch people from all walks of life. I crave those interactions.

I sometimes feel like I'm on this continuous search for mythical happiness. I have recently realized something about my quest. I have to train myself to live in the present without regretting the past or fearing the future. Once I do that I know I will find what I am looking for. Living life and not constantly waiting on my "someday". Everything is happening right now. I am choosing the world I want to live in and attempting to ensure that happiness is a perpetual state of mind.

I don't think my friends and family actually thought I would ever do it. Truthfully, I didn't think I would either. But here I am writing a blog that will probably be my only means of communication for the next 2 years of my life. I did it. I joined the Peace Corps. I am going to be an American living in Guatemala. I won't let fear drive me. So here I go. January 4, 2011. Wish me luck.

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." - Helen Keller

Safe Travels,

Caitlin