I can’t believe it has been 17 months. It feels like 17 minutes. And at the same time it feels like 17 years. So much has changed since I stepped off that plane last January. I feel like my entire world has been turned upside down. But I know that when I go home, it will be like time has stood still. So how do I explain to yall how this experience has changed me, affected me, molded me, challenged me? You will never truly know. You will never actually understand how different I am or how much I have learned over these past 17 months. I have come to appreciate the love of my friends and family back home and I have come to know the love of a whole new family. I have fumbled through learning a new language and while I have improved, I am still stumbling on words and sounding like a foreigner. I have made new friends and new enemies. I have forgiven old enemies and lost old friends. I have been challenged, frustrated, furious, ecstatic, grateful, thankful, confused, exhausted, and surprised. I have come to know a new country and come to miss my own. I have realized things about myself that I don’t like and I have dared myself to change them. I have conquered fears and found new ones. I have realized that if you don’t find fault in yourself and humor in your situation, then you will lose everything. These past 17 months have been a beautiful, challenging disaster. And no matter what, I would never change my choice to embark on this journey called the Peace Corps.
We have finally made it to the single digit mark…9! Only nine and a half months to go and I still have no idea what I am doing. You would think a year and a half would make me somewhat of an expert when it comes to Guatemalan life. Nope. Still feel like a blundering fool a majority of the time. Sure I can navigate the bus system (which pretty much makes you an honorary Guatemalan…seriously…there’s a certificate or something), but there are some days when I still look around and think, "What the heck are you doing Caitlin?!" Now and then, I wonder if these people have learned anything from me at all. I truly hope so (otherwise it is a serious misuse of government funds…how unusual). It is possible that the only thing they have learned from me is that blonde, blue eyed girls aren’t actually witches. At least not of the magical variety.
I always knew I would get more out of this experience than I would actually give. Isn’t that why people join the Peace Corps anyway…for truly egotistical reasons? Duh. Who doesn’t want to move to the middle of nowhere and sacrifice all of their privacy and independence? SELFISH! But I digress. I had no idea how much I would learn about myself. My limits. My abilities. My faults. My talents. This year, I have been tested on a more personal level than professional. I didn’t expect that. And while I have been challenged through my job (speaking Spanish to an entire auditorium of teachers…uh challenge!), I find myself being challenged every single day on a personal level. Whether it is my attitude and outlook or my physical state, life is always testing me these days. I’m starting to miss unemployment where I sat on my Dad’s leather couch and watched reruns of law and order SVU all day. Ok that’s a lie…sort of. Anyway, I feel like the first year of my service was the professional challenge and this second year has been the personal challenge. Way to go Peace Corps…covering all the bases. I guess if life was easy that would mean I’m not doing enough.
After a year and a half overseas, I find myself approaching my life in a different way. I realized that my goal is to never look back and say “I wish I would have done that.” All the older, wiser people in my life have always said, “This is something you will carry with you the rest of your life. I wish I had done something like this when I was young.” No regrets. I have also come to discover that nothing is the end of the world. No matter how bad something is or how devastated you feel, it isn’t going to last forever. Life goes on. I’m trying to approach every day with the mentality that each situation in life is like a roller coaster. There are ups and downs. Sometimes you want to scream. Sometimes you want to vomit. Every now and then it throws you a curve and you want to giggle. Maybe there is a sweaty guy sitting next to you that smells. But hey, that’s life. Just know that at the end of the day the roller coaster stops. And hopefully you giggled more than you felt like throwing up. And maybe, just maybe, at the end of the ride you get to walk away with someone you care about. And perhaps enjoy a nice cotton candy together. Wait…where was I going with this? Oh yeah…cotton candy. Wait. No. Umm…life is short. That’s it. Life is short and you have to take each day with the curves and the vomiting. Wow this analogy has gotten out of hand. So who is that sweaty guy sitting next to you?
Caitlin, I read your blogs as often as you post them. My dear, you should print these out and put into a binder. I have seen you grow up from the time you were born, and I have seen your grow up over the past year and a half. You are on remarkable young lady who has the spirit that we should all strive for. Your heart is bigger than anyone I know. I pray that when you get home, I wll have about an hour just to sit and talk to you. I am so proud that I can call you a fellow social worker. You will be great at whtever you do. Know that there will be sweet tea waiting on you when you get here. Hugs from Bama....see you soon!
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